Amazon + Whole Foods = More Bullshit

Recap: Amazon bought Whole Foods.

Who the fuck cares! There's goddamn Nazis and hurricanes and shit! 

First of all, Nazis aren't a real thing. And if everyone's getting hit by hurricanes it's like nobody's getting hit by hurricanes. But this Amazon + Whole Foods thing? That's a stop the presses moment.

Now, you may not know this, but I'm an investigative reporter. And as a professional media person,  I did me some undercover shit this week.


I fucking went into a Whole Foods and asked employees questions! Well, one employee. The one behind the customer service desk.

I did not identify myself as a member of the media elite in case those goddamn hippies have crossbows under the counter. The following conversation is transcribed word for word.

*Note* I may have added a sexual subtext that was not there.  It's hard to remember details.

Me: Sup?

Her: Hey, baby. You need some Whole Foods lovin'?

Me: Totes. But first, what's up with this Amazon thing?

Her: Uuuugh. Nobody knows! We get emails every couple days with more stuff to mark down, but other than that...

Me: Well, I got's me some Amazon Prime. Does that mean anything?

Her: I don't know. Maybe. Sex now?

Me: Almost. What else should I know? Not about having sex with you, but about Amazon buying Whole Foods?

Her: Well, we here at your local Whole Foods were getting ready to roll out a membership scan card, but that's been put on hold. We here at your friendly neighborhood Whole Foods brothel were thinking that's because your Prime membership might be added to it if someone can remember where we put the computer that does that.

Me: Cool cool cool.

Her: Also, Amazon hasn't given us free Prime accounts.

Me: Oh. Why is that? Because they're assholes?

Her: Probably.

Me: What you're saying is that every single employee of Whole Foods thinks that everyone in the Amazon home office is a secret member of the alt-right?

Her: I mean, Jeff Bezos is pretty white. And he shaves his head. So...

Me: So, to summarize, aside from this new signage, a couple price drops, and Amazon selling Whole Foods stuff on the website, there has yet to be a big change.

Her: Yep. Same old organic food and sex shop.

And then she brought me to the produce section to show me the bananas and sex.


So, that's it.

When I hear the news I was all, like, Hells yeah! Amazon's gettin' me free meat! But no. Maybe later, but not now.

Also, FYI, if you Google "whole foods amazon prime sexy" you don't get any good images to embed in your blog. You do find a few pictures of Fabio, though.