What Foods Should I Buy Organic?

First, what the fuck makes a fruit or vegetable organic?

If it's a plant, it's organic if the soil isn't too fucked up and if the plant wasn't treated with the evilest of chemicals. Chemicals like toxic sludge. Seriously, they had to call out toxic sludge because some dickheads actively use it.

Thus, the certified organic label means that the food was created in a non-fucked up way. Cool. It does not guarantee anything other than that. If you want to avoid fucked up, disgusting food growing in feces, you might consider buying organic.

But god damn it, I can't afford to only eat organic. Sure, I'd like to avoid cancer, but I have video games to buy. If only there was some list or something that told me what was the really, really fucked up food.


Ah ha!


Every year, the Environmental Working Group (EWG) does a bunch of science shit and comes up with two lists: fruits & veggies that are super fucked up with pesticides (dirty dozen) and fruits and veggies that are grown pretty awesomely (clean fifteen). Basically, if you're not an anti-organic douche, but you don't have the money to buy everything organic forever, you look at these two lists. Whenever possible, buy organic versions of the stuff on the dirty dozen and, if you want, buy regular versions of the clean fifteen.

It's actually pretty simple. Two lists. Read them. Tell you what, I'll type them below. If you want to read the 2015 report from EWG, it's over here.

Dirty Dozen a.k.a. this shit is fucked up

  • Apples
  • Celery
  • Cherry Tomatoes
  • Cucumbers
  • Grapes
  • Nectarines
  • Peaches
  • Potatoes
  • Snap Peas
  • Spinach
  • Strawberry
  • Sweet Bell Peppers


*Hot Peppers and Kale/Collard Greens get an honorable mention

Turns out, I've been fucking up. In the fridge right now I've got celery, cucumber, snap peas, and spinach that are dripping disease! After I finish this article, I'm burning the fridge in the street.

Burn your fridge!
Burn your fridge!
Burn your fridge!


Clean Fifteen a.k.a. eat this shit up

  • Asparagus
  • Avocados
  • Cabbage
  • Cantaloupe
  • Cauliflower
  • Eggplant
  • Grapefruit
  • Kiwi
  • Mangoes
  • Onion
  • Papayas
  • Pineapples
  • Sweet Corn
  • Sweet Peas (frozen)
  • Sweet Potatoes

And by the way, in case you were wondering, "natural" doesn't mean shit. It can, in fact, legally contain up to 9 mg of rodent shit.  >sigh<