Stop Exercising

My new tattoo!
...if you want to burn body fat.

The British Journal of Sports Medicine is the most recent in a giant fucking list of fitness experts that have strongly come out against exercise as an effective method of burning body fat.

The new mantra is this: You cannot out exercise a bad diet. You fucking can't, dickhead.

But let's be clear. What we are specifically talking about is the connection between exercise and the burning of body fat. Remember when I wrote my big, famous article "Exercise Does Not Burn Body Fat," says every scientist ever? Remember how it's full of scientific research? Remember how it changed the world?!?!?!

I like restating this because each time I get to think it through a little differently.

1) There is a ton of conclusive research that says there are diets that make your body store more fat, diets that make your body burn stored fat, and diets that keep your body how it is (homeostasis). Many folks think that they are eating a "fat burning" diet when in fact they are eating a "homeostasis" diet. Healthy? Sure. Fat burning? Nope.

2) Exercise is good for you, asshole. But! There has never been a single conclusive study that has linked any exercise program to the long term burning of body fat without an accompanying diet change. NEVER!! FUCKING NEVER!!!!!

Here's are the positive effects of varying types of physical activity.

  • Play with your kids without hurting yourself.
  • Get up off of the ground without hurting yourself.
  • Get dishes down from the top shelf of your cabinet without hurting yourself.
  • Walk your dog without hurting yourself.

Basically, you can live like a human without hurting yourself. You can move your body without pain, reduce your risk of pages of diseases and conditions, and fucking live longer.

Physical activity is required for human life. But, mother fucker, it ain't gonna mitigate the effects of eating a pile of shit every day.