Preparing For Cold Crops

This frog is not a crop
After years of fucking up modest attempts at gardening, last year we stepped it up and started Googling shit. Apparently spending some energy to figure out what the fuck you're doing improves the quality of your work as we were in constant supply of spinach and zucchini despite the fact that the sunflowers, cabbage, and shallots bombed.

Bolstered by that mixed success, this year my ambitions have risen to, perhaps, a stupid level. I'm starting plants inside 6 weeks prior to putting them in the ground with, right now, five different cold crops.

What the fuck is a Cold Crop?
Vegetables that grow better when it's cold. Pretty simple. Knowing when you're supposed to plan something means that if you do it right, they grow and produce better.

I used those little dirt bag pods to start some kale, swiss chard, bok choy, brussel sprouts, and green beans. I followed the direction on the seed bags (mostly) and they seem to be coming along really well. Bok choy shot right up. Swiss chard has a red stem, even as a little sprout. Brussel sprouts are sluggish. Kale is doing whatever the fuck kale does.

The one interesting hiccup was with the beans. Check this out. All of the other plants grew similarly upwardly. Like, you look at them and see that they're growing. They're all popping up except the beans. I'm all like, "shit! Where's the beans?" And then I notice roots poking out the bottom of the dirt bag pods.

"Oh, crap," I say. "They grew down, not up." The beans sent out a ton of roots, compared to the others, so I went of to my awesome local Dutch Plant Farm because Home Depot Sucks. I talked to the smart and helpful employees and came away with a transplant-the-beans plan. Right in time, too. Look at these damn beans!

Now, here's something I may have fucked up. Turns out that green beans may not be a cold crop. Maybe they're a warm crop.

Shit.

Wait. What the fuck is a warm crop?

Vegetables that grow better when it's warm. Duh.

So, around the end of April, after 6 weeks inside, I'll move the cold crops outside into a lame garden area that I still need to get ready. Then I start the warm crops inside the same way I did the cold.

Zucchini, cucumber, and watermelon are on tap. I'll buy two starter cherry tomato plants for my son to take care of. And maybe something else, I dunno what yet.

What about herbs?

We're starting slow. One of these is rosemary and the other is thyme. I don't remember which is which. If these work out, we can slowly grow our indoor herb garden.

Also, I encourage you to pronounce the "h" in herbs. It's cooler. A silent "h" is a stupid "h." What does it have to hide? Asshole.

Here's my final helpful tip. Don't plant where your dogs will dig or the neighbors will mow. You would think that would be pretty basic advice, but even if you're a fucking genius like me, it's beneficial to review the basics from time to time.