Why Are Vegans Such Assholes?

Come to think of it, regular vegetarians are also jerks. And have you ever had a conversation with somebody trying to convince you that paleo is so awesome and that you should take up field dressing deer as a hobby? That dude's a dick, too! What is it about being a self identified member of a philosophy diet that makes otherwise normal people behave like religious terrorists?

Well, because that's what they are and that's how they originally came to be.

The roots of vegetarianism go way back to- well, if you want to read about it, go here. In a nutshell, vegetarianism started as a series of religious cults in ancient Greece and ancient India. The doctrine was based in an easy to understand set of ethics and morality: stop murdering animals.

Not being cruel to animals, by the way, is pretty cool. We're all on board with that one, right? But here's the tightrope walk: wanting to convince people that they shouldn't be a jerk easily turns us into a bigger jerk.

It's very similar to modern religious zealots. We bomb the abortion clinic because of a very simple set of ethics and morality. We bomb airplanes because of a very simple set of ethics and morality. We own slaves because of a very simple set of ethics and morality.

What else do vegetarians and terrorists have in common? They cannot and have never been able to move the argument from one of morality to one of fact and science.

Vegetarians and vegans have the same rates of lifestyle diseases as meat eaters. Becoming a vegetarian is not, in and of itself, a guaranteed path to a slim figure, long-lasting wellness, and happiness. Every "study" that has been released claiming these results to be universal among vegetarians and vegans has fallen apart under the standard peer review process. Every single fucking one.

According to National Institutes for Health (those hippies), "The nutrients of concern in the diet of vegetarians include vitamin B(12), vitamin D, ω-3 fatty acids, calcium, iron, and zinc."  So, yeah. The lack of any one of those can lead to diseases.

But let's not leave those meateater shitheads out of the conversation.

Remember when talking about bacon all the time was the height of humor? One year, I bought my friend a bacon wallet for Christmas. Good times! You know your friend who still talks about bacon all the time and squirts tubes of meat product into his mouth because it's funny? I know that guy, too. Does he really think he's healthy just because he eats meat?

The danger with this guy is confusing the health benefits of high quality meat with the health detriments associated with trash meat. And really, if you're eating disease meat just for the sake of eating meat, maybe you're one of those assholes who doesn't care about how animals are treated. We're all supposed to be on board with this one, right?

Also according to National Institutes for Health (those partisan commies), "Past research has tied red meat to increased risks of diabetes, cardiovascular disease and certain cancers." 
So, yeah. There's plenty of disease to go around.

So, what do we do then? Everything we eat will give us diseases and kill us?

Here's what I think.

1) If you don't eat any meat, you're at a higher risk for certain diseases.
2) If you eat too much or low quality meat, you're at a higher risk for certain diseases.
3) Some kinds of vegetables are really good for you. Eat them.
4) Some kinds of meat are really good for you. Eat it.

And 5) Self identifying with a philosophy diet will almost certainly turn you into an asshole. You will become preachy, judgmental, and generally unpleasant. This is because philosophy diets like paleo, vegan, and raw, are not based in fact or science. They are based in morality.

By all means, please buy organic free-trade coffee beans like I do. If treating animals compassionately is important to you (and really, if it's not, fuck you), factor that into your food choices. Try free range, grass fed, local, and organic whenever possible.

And stop being an asshole.