Amazon + Whole Foods = More Bullshit

Recap: Amazon bought Whole Foods.

Who the fuck cares! There's goddamn Nazis and hurricanes and shit! 

First of all, Nazis aren't a real thing. And if everyone's getting hit by hurricanes it's like nobody's getting hit by hurricanes. But this Amazon + Whole Foods thing? That's a stop the presses moment.

Now, you may not know this, but I'm an investigative reporter. And as a professional media person,  I did me some undercover shit this week.


I fucking went into a Whole Foods and asked employees questions! Well, one employee. The one behind the customer service desk.

I did not identify myself as a member of the media elite in case those goddamn hippies have crossbows under the counter. The following conversation is transcribed word for word.

*Note* I may have added a sexual subtext that was not there.  It's hard to remember details.

Me: Sup?

Her: Hey, baby. You need some Whole Foods lovin'?

Me: Totes. But first, what's up with this Amazon thing?

Her: Uuuugh. Nobody knows! We get emails every couple days with more stuff to mark down, but other than that...

Me: Well, I got's me some Amazon Prime. Does that mean anything?

Her: I don't know. Maybe. Sex now?

Me: Almost. What else should I know? Not about having sex with you, but about Amazon buying Whole Foods?

Her: Well, we here at your local Whole Foods were getting ready to roll out a membership scan card, but that's been put on hold. We here at your friendly neighborhood Whole Foods brothel were thinking that's because your Prime membership might be added to it if someone can remember where we put the computer that does that.

Me: Cool cool cool.

Her: Also, Amazon hasn't given us free Prime accounts.

Me: Oh. Why is that? Because they're assholes?

Her: Probably.

Me: What you're saying is that every single employee of Whole Foods thinks that everyone in the Amazon home office is a secret member of the alt-right?

Her: I mean, Jeff Bezos is pretty white. And he shaves his head. So...

Me: So, to summarize, aside from this new signage, a couple price drops, and Amazon selling Whole Foods stuff on the website, there has yet to be a big change.

Her: Yep. Same old organic food and sex shop.

And then she brought me to the produce section to show me the bananas and sex.


So, that's it.

When I hear the news I was all, like, Hells yeah! Amazon's gettin' me free meat! But no. Maybe later, but not now.

Also, FYI, if you Google "whole foods amazon prime sexy" you don't get any good images to embed in your blog. You do find a few pictures of Fabio, though.

Review: Superior Amino 2222 Tabs by Optimum Nutrition

I went down to ye ole vitamin shop to pick up some fish oil for my son and thought, "Hey. I'm out of amino acids. I'll pick some up." Right there was my mistake.

When I talk to clients, I always recommend that they do some research on their supplements. I usually say, "google something like Top Rated Supplements and then buy something from the top of the list." This is the multivitamin list that I like, by the way.

So, rather than order the amino acids that I like, I pick up this bottle instead. Not really paying attention. No research.

What did I think? Well...

Raw Milk In Maryland

In the United States, the availability of raw milk is determined at the state level. As of now, 37 states allow for the sale of raw milk and 13 believe that you are a dumb, baby asshole if you talk about it in public.

These 13 require raw milk enthusiasts to wear large anti-milk patches on their sleeves and several are drafting legislation to require facial tattoos. For public safety.

Maryland, the state where I currently reside, is an anti-raw milk state. While there are rumors of an underground raw milk railroad that runs up to Pennsylvania and down to Virginia, I have been unable to confirm the existence of this theoretical "freedom straw." But this is because I was looking for raw milk intended for human consumption. Perhaps because I am species-ist, discriminating against dogs and cats whenever possible, but I had never thought to look for raw milk intended for animals.

Until now.

The P.A. Bowden Farmstead in Brandywine, Maryland is a small, grass-fed organic dairy. They are known for artisan cheeses and for not being dicks to their animals. Perhaps because the farm seems to be run by people with souls, they offer "Pet Milk," raw milk intended for pets. And we should be very clear: if you are a human, you may only consume this milk if you are also a pet.

Fascinatingly, this is legal. Maryland state law says nothing about serving raw milk to your pet or to your animals. There are two good lessons here. First, Maryland (and perhaps your state as well) makes it legally okay to feed your pets or animals shitty, poison food that non-pet humans can legally not eat.

Second, if you suffer under the tyranny of an an anti-raw milk regime, perhaps your pets and animals do not. Some areas allow raw milk to be sold for bathing purposes only. So, maybe it's out there, hiding.




Let's end with this for the anti-raw milk/anti-vaxxer d-bags.

In 2012, the CDC published a report on non-pasteurized dairy products (raw milk) where they reviewed "outbreaks" (ill health/sickness) related to raw milk consumption. Here is a quote from the website:
We found 121 outbreaks for which the product's pasteurization status was known; among these, 73 (60%) involved nonpasteurized products and resulted in 1,571 cases, 202 hospitalizations, and 2 deaths. A total of 55 (75%) outbreaks occurred in 21 states that permitted sale of nonpasteurized products.
So, 2 deaths confirmed by the Centers for Disease Control. This is not every year, by the way. This was over 14 years, 1993-2006

Now consider this. The U.S. National Library of Medicine says that about  65% of the human population is lactose intolerant and should be consuming super low amounts of milk or they can get seriously sick. While lactose intolerance is not clearly linked to death, having a milk allergy is (NCBI says that 2-3% of children have such an allergy).

The anti-raw milk people who point to raw milk related deaths are playing on your fear of 2 proven deaths over 14 years. Clearly, if your pet or animal is lactose intolerant or has a milk allergy, don't feed them any kind of milk.

How To Design a Workout Program. Part 2: Talk To Somebody

This is it.

This is why we don't start working out. Either we don't know what to do, so we don't begin. Or, we don't know what to do but we try something anyway and get injured or don't get good results or don't know how to track results or never get over the feeling that we're an impostor so we quit.

This is a new series about how someone new to exercise, new to gyms, or new to fitness should think about how to design their workout.


Part 2: Talk To Somebody